The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
If we were not all so interested in ourselves, life would be so uninteresting that none of us would be able to endure it.
You've got to be original, because if you're like someone else, what do they need you for?
Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not original and the part that is original is not good. (attributed)
As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, and I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life - so I became a scientist. This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls.
Everybody hates me because I'm so universally liked.
If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
1. Never tell everything at once. (Ken Venturi's Two Great Rules of Life)
There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all.
If all economists were laid end to end, they would not reach a conclusion.
Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.
The best ideas come as jokes. Make your thinking as funny as possible.